Han
by Fallingofftheworld
Summary: Han dies, and Leia has to hide the body from Luke. (I have no idea what the dreaded data is, so use your imagination.) PG-13 for morbidity, to be safe.


Toxic gas filled his lungs. In two minutes, he would be dead. Maybe less. Maybe even if he escaped.  
Han coughed violently, spewing green, hairy phlegm all over the metallic floor. If only he could get to that pipe over there. . .  
Struggling breathlessly, he took the two pipes, reattached them, but realized there was too much gas in the air already. He tried using his emergency com-link, but it merely coughed and turned green when he opened the wrapper. Finally after waiting one minute and fifty-six seconds, he tried using the force. (You see, it takes Han one second to use the force, one more second for Luke to hear him, one second to get there, and one second to get out of this Wretched Hive Of Scum And Villainy.)  
He wasn't sure if Luke was paying attention or not, but he tried anyway. . .  
  
Luke was:  
A. Reading a book. (It's hard to hear when your involved in a novel.)  
B. Cleaning out the fridge. (The hamburger was chewing noisily on its cud.)  
C. Using the vacuum cleaner. (He can't even hear Leia, so he couldn't hear Han.)  
D. Chatting on the internet. (It's hard to hear that still small voice in a crowd.)  
(E). In the 'fresher. (Need I say more?)  
F. Uh. . .forgot this one. (But whatever it is, it's very loud.)  
G. Feeding the Rancor. (It's hard to stay alive, much harder to stay alive and listen to Han's cry for help.)  
  
He was in the 'fresher.  
  
Upon leaving the 'fresher, he suddenly heard the phone ring. "Leia, could you get that?"  
"Get what?"  
"The phone, silly."  
"What's a phone?"  
Luke rolled his eyes. "It's this uh. . .yeah. . .whatever."  
"Are you feeling okay?"  
"No. . . not really. . .could you get me some. . .aspirin?"  
"Aspirin? Luke, what are you talking about?"  
"Just get me some medicine of some kind, OKAY?" Luke snapped. (He hadn't used the force in so long, it hurt his head so.)  
Leia reached in a medicine box and pulled out a huge Bright Orange Bag With Kelly Green Stripes. "Let's see. . .Children's cold medicine, Children's flu medicine, Children's wasp sting antidote, Children's bee sting antidote, Children's Hawk-bat bite antidote, Children's Rancor bite antidote Children's general medicine. . .aha! Here we are, aspirin. But I don't remember buying this. . ."  
"Leia, you don't even have children. What did you buy all this for?"  
"Well, I am expecting. . ."  
"What?" Luke couldn't deny it. Leia was growing increasingly bigger each day, but he assumed she was binging, because the lump on her stomach certainly didn't look like a baby.  
"I'm expecting a baby. Two babies, actually. No, make that three. I'm naming the first two Jacen and Jaina, and the third one Anakin. If there's another one, I'll name it after you. No, I'll name it after me. . .No, that would be too confusing. When someone called 'Leia!' we'd never know which one of us it was, so we'd both have to come. That would be really annoying if I was busy and Leia wasn't. On second thought, if she looked like me, I would definitely want to name it after me. After all, two Leias are better than one. Well, no, I would want to name it after Han, because it's his child, too. Wait a minute. . .if it was a 'She', I couldn't name it Luke or Han. I would have to give it a girl's name. Oh! I'm sorry! I almost forgot! What did you need?"  
"Just forget it."  
"Okay. . ." said Leia, closing the Bright Orange Bag With Kelly Green Stripes.  
The phone started ringing again. He finally picked it up and said, *Hello?*  
*Hi this is Han come get me I'm in this warehouse.*  
*Could you repeat that?*  
*Hi this is Han come get me I'm in this warehouse.*  
*Slower, please!*  
*Hi. . .This. . .is. . .Han. . .Come. . .get. . .me. . .I'm. . .in. . .this. . .warehouse. . .*  
*A little faster!*  
*Just shut up and get me, okay?*  
Luke hung up the phone, and in a puff of smoke and a bright yellow flame, he was gone.  
  
Inside the warehouse, the room was filled with toxic gases, including carbon dioxide from Han's breathing. Luckily he had remembered to bring a face mask. (He always kept one on hand for times like this.)  
Unfortunately, the face mask had more holes than a hockey mask, and soon proved very useless. He ripped it off, so hard that a large section of flesh came with it, and pulled out a can of toxic-warehouse-gas-be-gone. (It contained every gas that the warehouse contained, but somehow worked anyway.) Soon the fumes subsided.  
He saw Han struggling lifelessly on the floor, gagged. (Not with a gag, but a glob of phlegm too large to hack up.) He felt his lungs fill with the nawsty fumes as he grabbed Han by the shoulder and dragged him through the front door.  
  
Han had rid himself of the gooey gunk, (thank goodness for the Heimlich Maneuver), but was still ill from the effects of the gas. Luke never told Leia what had happened, so she assumed he had a virus. Equipped with a face mask and surgical gloves, she stuffed him in the closet and nailed the door shut.  
When she came out of the closet, she sterilized her hands, burned the surgical stuff, and wrote 'Quarantined' on the door.  
  
Luke no longer had a headache, and the phone in his head had stopped ringing, so he returned to the 'fresher to finish his business. It was then that he saw it. "Leia!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.  
"What is it?" Leia doubted it was anything serious, but came anyway.  
"Look!" Luke pointed to the sink faucet. "Someone left the water running!"  
"Then turn it off, stupid!"  
"What did you just call me?"  
"Ahem. . .nothing."  
Luke turned the faucet off, although in the time they had been arguing, the water was running all over the counter and onto the floor.  
"By the way, what's wrong with Han?"  
"Um. . .he's sick. Don't ask me how."  
"Sick? How?"  
"You idiot! I just said, 'Don't ask me how'."  
"Gee. . .I'm sorry. . ."  
"Isn't he still in the hangar bay?"  
Leia's face turned bright red. "Um. . .I. . .I. . .I. . .I don't really know. . ."  
"Is there something. . .Funny?" Luke snapped, noticing the huge grin on Leia's face.  
Leia's complexion returned to normal, and her mouth closed. "No. . ."  
"Hmm. . .Well, if you see him, tell me. I have something to tell him."  
"Could you tell me instead?"  
"No. . .it's kind of a secret. . ."  
"Are you suggesting that you would tell my husband, but not me? Your own sister?!"  
"Well, yes. I guess I am."  
  
When Luke finally awoke, he opened his eyes and saw Leia staring down at him.  
"How's that? You want more?"  
"Alright, alright, alright. I'll tell you. But promise that you won't tell anyone else."  
"Okay. Now, stand up and tell me."  
Luke stood up, although his legs were nearly broken. Then, he whispered the dreaded data into Leia's ear. Immediately her face turned white.  
"What could this mean?"  
"That's what I'm afraid of. Just. . .whatever you do, do not tell anyone else. Promise?"  
"I already promised that, dummy."  
  
Three months later. . .  
  
"What is Han doing? It's unlike him to stay gone this long. . .except when he was trapped in the warehouse with all those horrible gases."  
"What did you just say?"  
"Remember? He was stuck in this warehouse on Tatooine. He had to use the force to contact me. I thought I was getting a headache, but then I knew it was him. He survived, but was sick for days. Are you sure you don't remember?"  
"So, that's why he was sick?"  
"Yes. I don't know why he would have left the Falcon in such a condition. . ."  
Leia's face turned red again, this time so red that heat radiated from it. "Excuse me, I have to go. . .take care of something."  
Luke looked at her stomach. "Do you need me to take you to a hospital?"  
"No. . .it's not that. I need to go. . .check something." With that, Leia raced out.  
  
Leia opened the closet. Instantly Han rolled out, covered in flies.  
At first she was almost too shocked to move. She closed the bedroom door and locked it, then returned to the closet. There, she realized that, no matter what happened, no one could ever, ever, ever find out about this.  
She took the blanket from the bed, scrutinized it until she was certain it was Han's and not her's, then wrapped the corpse, making sure every inch of it was concealed until she found some place to hide it.  
She looked through the window, making sure Luke wasn't looking, then opened the door and raced out.  
Luke was at the computer. Thank goodness, she thought. When he was using the computer, he was nearly catatonic, so he wouldn't notice the stench.  
The doorbell rang. Startled, Leia nearly dropped the mummy. Luke was in no state to answer the door, so this was her job, although she was quite busy at the moment as well.  
She opened the door and looked out. "Hello?"  
"I have a message for Han," Said a very short and wrinkled person of an unknown species. "Will he listen?"  
Leia looked down at the mummy. "I'm terribly sorry, but he's 'tied up' at the moment. Could you tell me instead?"  
"Here, take this telegram." The alien held out a tiny piece of paper.  
Leia snatched it, read it, then found it was the same message Luke had given her three months ago. Her face as white as an eggshell, she replied, "Alright. I'll try to tell him." She felt a weight lifted off her lap, and feared the worst. "Tell me your name, so I can contact you again if I find the need."  
"It's too holy to be spoken. Why don't I give you the URL to my home page instead?"  
"That won't be necessary. Good-bye." With that, she slammed the door. She hated to be rude, but Han had nearly fallen out of the blanket, and she had to hold her knee out so the corpse wouldn't fall on the messenger.  
Luke was still catatonic, giving Leia a free path to the kitchen, where she couldn't help but notice the trash compacter. If she opened it all the way, the mummy would probably fit, even if part of it was left behind. Of course, the sounds of the trash compacter would probably wake Luke from his trance, and he would find out. Either way, nobody would ever want to go in the kitchen again.  
She looked out the back door, then contemplated burying him. Luke would probably never suspect the pile of dirt in the yard, and the corpse would eventually disintegrate. Or, she could bury it in the garden. When it disintegrated, it would fertilize their plants, ensuring a bountiful harvest for years to come.  
Unfortunately, she remembered that this was a spaceship, and there was no back yard, or a garden in it. Only miles of empty space. Which gave her an idea.  
She hung the mummy over her shoulder, then crept down the hallway to the airlock. She examined the window, put the spacesuit on, then opened the window and slung the corpse out as far as she could. Then, she closed the window, returned to the kitchen and washed her hands thouroghly.  
Luke was out of his trance, and was sitting on the sofa. "Hello." Was all he was able to say.  
"Hello Luke."  
"Was there someone at the door?"  
"No one important."  
"Oh."  
"By the way, what should we do about it?"  
"About what?"  
Leia whispered the data in his ear again, although she couldn't fathom how anyone could ever forget such a thing.  
Luke's face turned white and his pupils dilated. "Oh. . .that."  
"Do you think we should do something?"  
"I. . .Think. . .we. . ." he looked as though he was going into another trance, but he snapped out of it and finished his sentence. "I think we should just wait. Maybe it will pass. If not, we could contact Han."  
Leia giggled nervously. "Let's not do that- I mean. . .Heh! I mean, why don't we just admit it to the Republic? This could be dangerous. I don't think it should be a secret."  
"Yeah. . .I guess you're right. Why don't we make an announcement tomorrow?"  
"Or, we could make a billboard. I have five million credits in savings. I'm sure that will be more than enough."  
"No, we'll make an announcement. A billboard would be too tacky.  
"How would you want to word it?"  
Luke pondered it for a moment, then whispered the result in Leia's ear.  
Her face turned white again. "Isn't that a bit blunt?"  
"Yes, I suppose it is. I'll leave out that last part. Why don't you announce it tomorrow? You and Han are supposed to speak at the peace conference."  
"Oh! That's right! I hope Han comes back soon."  
"Don't worry. He'll be back. He's never late for meetings."  
  
The next day. . .  
  
Leia rudely entered the President's office. "Ma'am?"  
"Yes?" Mon Mothma looked up at Leia.  
"I'm sorry, but Han will not be able to attend the peace conference tonight."  
"Oh? And why not?"  
"With all due respect, it's a personal matter."  
"It is essential that I know the reason."  
"I do not know exactly where he is." Leia's mind raced furiously to concoct a clever excuse. "Even I cannot reach him."  
"Then we will have to cancel the conference. You and Han were to lead it. . ."  
Leia opened the door and began to walk out. "If I can reach him, I will bring him to the conference. I promise."  
  
Luke opened the door at the sound of a knock. "Oh. It's you."  
"Did you miss me?"  
"Uh, sure. . .whatever. How did it go?"  
"I told them that if I could contact Han, I would bring him to the conference tomorrow."  
"Maybe we should arrange a search party? It's just not like him to stay gone this long without at least writing or calling or or something."  
"Uh. . .I think I. . ."  
"What?"  
"Uh. . .I think. . .Someone's at the door!"  
Luke looked out the front curtain. "There's nobody out there."  
"Heh! That's it, the hangar bay!" With that, Leia raced off.  
  
Leia opened the door to the hangar bay, hoping Luke wouldn't follow her. She knew she would have to eventually tell him eventually, or be pilot- less. But she couldn't think of a good excuse for locking her husband in the closet for three months.  
She turned her eyes to the glistening stars, and found it odd that one was larger than the others. As it drew nearer, Leia suddenly realized that this was not a star. The blanket was still covering it, but it did not hide the fact that her husband had returned, and was now floating towards her.  
As she watched the blanket slowly unfold, consciousness faded away.  
  
Suddenly, Luke remembered. The hangar bay. He had left Han in the hangar bay. Luckily, Leia had found him.  
For unknown reasons, Leia had locked the door behind her. As soon as he unlocked and opened it, Han slumped forward, battered and bruised. "Han! Are you alright?" Luke yelled. Soon, he realized that Han wasn't going to get up. He didn't know what to do, but he did know one thing: No one could ever, ever, ever find out about this.  
He grabbed the corpse and hung it over his shoulder. Leia must be stargazing, he thought. She had probably fallen asleep. Lucky for him, she wouldn't notice the stench.  
As he thought of a good place to hide it, he paced back and forth down the hallways until he noticed the 'fresher. It probably wouldn't fit, but if he rolled it for a while, it would thin out, and he could probably get part of it down with the plunger. Of course, it would clog the pipes, and every time he flushed he would be reminded of his brother-in-law.  
As he looked out the window, he had another idea. He could put Han in an X-wing, launch it, and never have to see the corpse again. He closed the bedroom door behind him, and headed for the hangar bay.  
Leia was still asleep, giving Luke a free path to the X-wing. He hated to waste it, but he could always get another one. Who knows, maybe it would even come back.  
He opened the hatch and started the engine. Unfortunately, Leia woke up when the engine began to hum, and obviously saw her dead husband, because she was screaming hysterically.  
"I'm sorry! You weren't supposed to find out!" They both yelled simultaneously.  
Instantly, she stopped screaming. Then she started again. Luke dropped the corpse, which made a sickening thud when it hit the metal floor, and started screaming with her.  
"I forgot he was still in the hangar bay!" Luke said, bawling. "I never let him in! He must have starved to death!"  
"No!" Leia said, bawling even louder. "I locked him in the closet and never let him out! He must have starved to death!"  
"You mean. . .you knew where he was all this time?"  
"Yes!" Leia wailed, now prostrate. "I thought he had a virus! I locked him in the closet so we wouldn't catch it! It must have been three months! When I finally remembered, I unlocked the closet, and. . .He was. . .Dead!"  
Instantly, both of them stopped wailing and smiled. "So," Luke said. "We finally found him. Should we bring him to the conference, or should we leave him here to rest?"  
"Well, I promised Mon that I would bring him if I could. . ."  
"In that case, bring me a black trash bag and some twine."  
"Right away."  
"And some starch!"  
Leia ran off to the kitchen, and instantly returned with a black trash bag, a ball of twine, and a container of starch. "Here it is. Hurry."  
Immediately, Luke sprinkled the corpse with starch, stuffed it into the bag, and tied it with twine. Then the doorbell rang.  
Luke hoisted the body, threw it over the sofa and opened the door. "Hello?"  
"I have a message for Han," said a very short and wrinkled alien. "Will he listen?"  
"I'm afraid not. He's. . .uh. . .preparing for the conference tomorrow. Why don't you tell me instead?"  
"If he is too busy to come, give him this telegram." The alien handed him a tiny paper.  
Luke took the paper, turned white as a ghost, and raced inside, slamming the door. "Leia!" He yelled.  
Leia came rushing in. "What is it? What's wrong?"  
Luke handed the telegram to Leia.  
She gulped, turned white, and started to faint. Feeling Luke grab her by the shoulder, she awakened. "Something has to be done. . ."  
"I know. . .I know. . ."  
"But what? At first it was just. . .and now this. . ."  
"We should do exactly as we planned to do earlier. Announce it tonight."  
"No. We are going to tell Mon Mothma exactly what happened, and we are going to cancel the conference. We cannot tell the public, and we cannot drag a rotting corpse to a diplomatic event. I'm calling her, right now!"  
"But Leia. . ."  
"What?"  
"Are you sure you know what your doing?"  
  
When Luke regained consciousness, he saw Leia at the computer, and the image of Mon Mothma on the screen. He rose as fast as his broken, bleeding body would allow, and listened to Leia as she delivered the message to the president.  
Instantly, Luke turned white. A second later, the computer blacked out. Leia screamed incoherent and violent things until it came back on. Mon Mothma's face appeared, whiter than the insides of a cockroach. "Oh. . .Oh no. . .I-I'm sorry. I had no idea. . .is he alright?"  
"He's dead. But that's an entirely different story. I can't come to the conference tonight. I'm sorry."  
"After what I've just heard. . .I don't think I can find the strength to do anything. . ."  
"It's okay. I need to decide what to do with Han, anyway."  
"Alright. Good bye." The image dissapeared and Leia shut the computer down. "So. . .what do you want to do now?"  
"Sleep."  
"I mean, what do you want to do with the body?"  
"Why don't we throw it out the airlock?"  
"Tried that."  
"Bury it?"  
"There's no ground."  
"Trash compacter?"  
"Don't even mention it. Could we flush it?"  
"It would clog the pipes. Why not put it back in the closet, where it belongs?"  
Leia laughed devilishly. "What a novel idea!"  
  
So they put it back in the closet, locked it, and nailed it shut. Ten years have passed, and neither of them have ever, ever, ever looked inside that closet.  
  
The End 


End file.
